Tears Dry On Their Own

After George leaves, Yukari notices that everything changes and nothing changes at all.

Yukari starts her modeling career and Hiro goes off to university and Minwako works at Happy Berry and Arashi goes on tour with his band. They keep in touch, loosely. Yukari calls Hiro twice a week, Minwako three, and Arashi none. She does send him an e-mail from time to time, but mostly, they communicate through Minwako. That works fine for both of them.

None of them really keep in touch with George, who likes to burn his bridges. Once a month, though, they all get a ten page e-mail from Isabella that details the trials and tribulations of living in New York City. There’s a key on Yukari’s keychain that she never uses, but she doesn’t tell anyone about it and no one asks. George doesn’t leave her broken, but he doesn’t leave her entirely whole, either.

Four months into modeling, she finds herself calling Hiro four times a week and meeting him at the park that’s only two blocks from his university once a week. They sit under the trees, the clear blue sky up above them. A cup of tea warms her hands and she burrows into the scarf wrapped around her neck. They talk a lot, about the important things, about the stupid things.

“I remember wanting to be a doctor when I was younger,” she says when he tells her about all the things he’s studying: anatomy and immunology and pharmacology. Things she’d never be good at. After she failed that first exam, she doesn’t remember wanting anything besides getting good grades and getting into good schools. Before then, she briefly remembers watching a television program -- she can’t remember which -- where someone was hurt and taken to the hospital. The doctor on the program saved the person’s life, and for a moment, she wanted to do that, too.

“You never wanted to be a model?” he asks, his eyebrows raised.

“No,” she says, because it had never crossed her mind, even for a second. Life is a little strange like that.

They keep growing older, growing up. Happy Berry gets a deal to design the wardrobe for a major pop star (sworn to secrecy until everything is set), and the four of them celebrate the old Paradise Kiss way, with alcohol in Minwako and Arashi’s apartment, even though they’re still missing two of their members. Yukari goes on a date with one of the male models she works with. She likes him, but she’s just not ready to start dating again.

Before she knows it, it’s been a year since George and Isabella left, and the date passes her by without her even noticing it. Minwako keeps her busy all day trying on Happy Berry clothes to make sure she’s okay, but to Yukari’s surprise, she really is. It’s spring, by that point, and Hiro’s life is consumed by his exams, but the days are longer and the sun is brighter.

Yukari realizes she likes taking pictures at her photoshoots on the tiny camera she bought for herself after her first modeling paycheck. She likes capturing the photographer inspecting his own camera, his long dark hair falling into his eyes; the hair stylist leaning against a nearby tree, her big sunglasses obscuring most of her face; the lighting manager as she carefully sets everything up. She tries not to let them notice her as she’s photographing them. It ruins the effect, somehow.

She sends Hiro her pictures by e-mail when they’re both too busy to meet up like they usually do, funny anecdotes written underneath each one. Once, Hiro sends a reply with just the words, Why do you do it?

No one ever sees them and what they do, she writes back. All they see is me. She’s never been all that comfortable with hogging the spotlight, and she thinks Hiro, who has never worked a day in the fashion industry, might understand that. He already knows her so well.

A cameraman on one of her commercials asks her on a date, and she says yes because she likes his easy sense of humor and has an irrational fondness for his scruffy beard. Their relationship lasts for two months before she dumps him for being a deadbeat.

Hiro starts dating one of the girls in his class, and she’s so smart and so pretty that Yukari can’t really fight back the resentment she feels. She never felt this way when she learned that Hiro was still in love with Minwako. It’s just hard looking at the two of them together, talking about their teachers and assignments, and remembering that this was the life her mother wanted for her so badly. The scars still run deep.

Arashi’s band breaks up, and so he forms a new one. Yukari has a crush on the drummer for a week before he finally grins at her like he’s interested in her, too. He leaves her when his ex-girlfriend starts calling him back, and Yukari’s not actually all that bothered by it. They were never all that serious.

Shimamoto seems pleased with all the work she’s bringing in, and Yukari goes places she never thought she’d be able to go before (Paris and Hawaii and London), but she never gets any offers from outside of Japan.

“Does it really matter all that much?” Hiro asks her as they sit in the park together.

She thinks about all the things she’s done, how full her life feels, and says, “No, I guess not.”

Hiro breaks up with his girlfriend for reasons he refuses to tell anyone, and Yukari is selfishly glad. They barely had time to see each other between his classes and her work schedule as it was without him spending time with his girlfriend.

The first time they kiss, it’s because she kisses him, standing on her tiptoes to press their mouths together for the barest of moments. They’re in the park, like always, but she’s exhausted and stressed out over the number of shows and shoots she’s been doing for the past two weeks. He holds one of her hands in his, a simple gesture of comfort, and she remembers the way being with George used to make her feel like she was breaking apart. Hiro’s always made her feel like she could take on the world if she needed to. She wants to kiss him, and so she does.

He looks stunned when she pulls back, but then he asks her out to dinner, and of course she says yes.

They start dating, which is different than how she expected. It’s easier than she thought it would be; not effortless, not even close, but easier. They go to dinner once a week, and they still meet in the park when they can. He touches her in public more, now, a hand on her back, his shoulder brushing hers. She gets warm shivers when they sit next to each other on the park benches, his body pressed right up against hers.

Yukari’s terrified Minwako will be upset that she’s dating Hiro, that Minwako will resent her on some level. But when Yukari tells her the news, Minwako just beams from ear to ear and says that she’s glad both Carrie and Hiro can be happy. They spend the next hour talking about shoes instead of boys.

Unfortunately, things don’t always work that smoothly between them. Yukari hates it when Hiro psychoanalyzes her, picking her apart, laying her bare. He might not say anything, but he gets this particular look in his eye when he’s doing it, and it drives her nuts. She hates that he can see all the ugliness inside of her, every flaw in her psyche, even though she knows he’s probably not looking for it. She yells at him about it two months into their relationship and then spends the night curled up in her bed, trying not to cry. They talk it over the next day, and he agrees to stop doing it if she agrees to stop tapping her fingers while he’s around. Apparently, that’s been annoying him for years.

It’s strange, being able to compromise on something like that. George couldn’t compromise if his life depended on it.

She uses the key for the second time, and this time she can look at all these clothes without wanting to break down into tears. She runs her hands over the fabrics, but she doesn’t take anything, not yet. She’s still not quite ready.

Time keeps moving forward, and Yukari still feels like she’s racing to catch up. But she’s not behind, not anymore. Her mother hangs up more pictures from her shoots without saying a word to her, until

they almost take up an entire wall. Suguru is almost as tall as she is these days.

Minwako and Arashi get married in an incredibly lavish ceremony. All the decorations are brightly colored and handmade, and all the guests are impeccably dressed. Minwako wears a white dress with a gorgeous floral print, a Happy Berry orginal creation. Arashi wears a ripped black t-shirt with black jeans. Yukari and Hiro go together, and during the ceremony, she squeezes his hand tightly and thinks about being the one up there, reciting her vows. Isabella attends the ceremony, and Yukari is thrilled to be able to see her again. They talk about New York, the wonderful fashion designers, the beautiful tourist traps. Isabella doesn’t mention George at all, and Yukari is glad.

The months pass. She and Hiro get busier as he starts his training in the hospital and she gets more and more offers. They get into a few arguments about whether or not their relationship is more important than their careers. Hiro gets this look on his face when that happens, so completely blank that she can’t read him it all. After a while, they agree that they both just have to deal with it.

She misses him a lot more than she used to.

Minwako becomes pregnant in the summer, and Yukari gets the excited phone call as she’s about to do an ad for an up-and-coming designer. She and Minwako chatter excitedly about it for a minute or so before they both have to go back to work.

It’s a little amazing, watching as Minwako grows bigger and bigger. Her bubbly personality never seems to wane, no matter how exhausted she seems, and it’s amusing watching Arashi care for her in his own way. Hiro dotes on her, too, which should probably make Yukari jealous, but it doesn’t.

“I used to keep a photograph of you in my student passbook,” she confesses to him one night as they make out on the couch of his tiny one bedroom apartment. “I’d look at it all the time.” Back then, she was a different person, but sometimes it still amazes her that she’s managed to end up here, with him. She runs a hand through his hair and slides her fingers over the nape of his neck. His lips are chapped, and he has deep bags under his eyes, and she’s seen him be human and imperfect. She doesn’t have a silly crush on him anymore -- all the illusions have fallen away -- but she likes that better now; she likes him better, now.

He looks surprised for a moment before he laughs. “You always used to act so strangely around me. I could never figure out why.”

She flushes deep red, like she used to around him, but he just kisses her, sweet and warm, and she feels so happy it hurts.

A few days later, she takes the key off her keychain and puts it back in the box along with the ring. She doesn’t feel the need to keep it close to her anymore.

When Yukari turns twenty-five, Shimamoto suggests that she start branching out in different directions, because she won’t be able to model forever, so she does a cameo on a movie, just one line, but she likes it a lot. She has lunch with Minwako after she films her one scene. Minwako’s getting close to giving birth, her belly huge and distended, and Yukari feels strangely old when she sees the proof that they’ve all grown and changed so much.

“Acting doesn’t actually seem all that different from modeling, to tell the truth,” Yukari says as she takes a sip of her tea. “But it’s not like I’ve gotten a chance to do that much of it.”

“I’m sure you’ll be wonderful at it,” Minwako says. “You’re so talented, Carrie.”

Yukari isn’t wonderful at it in the beginning, and she even catches Hiro wincing a little at one of her scenes. But she does work at it, gets more parts, and she does get better.

Hiro aces his medical examination and finally gets his medical license, but to tell the truth, she’s already thought of him as a doctor for quite a while. Minwako gives birth to a baby girl. As everyone visits to pay the new parents their respects, Arashi tries very hard to maintain his usual scowl, but it’s not very effective. It’s easy to see how happy he is. When Hiro gets his turn to hold Erica, he tickles her nose and makes her giggle, and he smiles at her like she’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

Five months later, he asks Yukari to marry him. The ring he gives her is a simple diamond on a simple band of gold, and it’s so traditional, she almost wants to laugh. She says yes, and part of her wants to marry him right here, right now, because she can, because she loves him that much, but they both know better than to do that.

Planning a wedding is more difficult than either of them expected. They can’t quite find a good date for the both of them, because she has a contract with an ad company in Taiwan which means she needs to travel a lot more over the next few years, and he needs to put in a lot of effort to really make a good impression at work. She doesn’t mind having to wait, she realizes later, because at this point, it’s just telling the world something she already knows.

When the tickets arrive in July, she doesn’t know how to react. Isabella sends a long, apologetic e-mail in explanation, and Yukari is thankful for that. She considers throwing the tickets out, closing off that part of her life once and for all, but she’ll never be able to end it, really. That part of her life made her who she was and who she is.

She takes the key out of its box and asks Hiro to meet her in front of the storage warehouse. He does so without asking questions. Her heart beats too fast as she leads him through the containers to 1013, but she knows she needs to do this before she offers him the tickets. She opens the container and waits for his reaction. She knows he won’t get mad or angry, but he might decide to call the wedding off, might decide that she’s not the one for him after all. It’s immediately obvious what this is, what it means to her.

The clothes are dusty from years of disuse, and the fluorescent light overhead doesn’t flatter them, but they’re all still gorgeous, filled with brilliant colors.

Hiro looks stunned for a moment before his expression grows fonder. He steps forward and gently touches the dress she wore for the show, that runner-up dress. He looks so very out of place amongst all these clothes. “Why haven’t you worn any of these?” he asks, and he sounds merely curious and not accusatory.

“It didn’t feel right,” she says.

He looks at her with his psychoanalyst face, and for once, she doesn’t hold it against him. “You should. You’d look beautiful in them,” he says, and her heart lifts because he understands.

She pulls the two tickets out of her pocket and hands them to him. “Let’s go to New York for our honeymoon,” she says.

He takes a look at the tickets, his expression thoughtful, and he says, “Yes.”

She kisses him, then, because she wants to make that declaration, and in her mind, she is already married. He just smiles at her, his eyes warm. She’ll take a few of the clothes back home with her the next time she comes here, and they’ll go see George’s show together, and she won’t imagine what could have been, because she doesn’t need to. She can’t close off this part of her life, but she’s come to terms with it, and that’s enough.

They walk out of the storage warehouse hand in hand, and in the bright summer sunshine, Yukari thinks of how far she’s come and how far she has left to go.

It’s a long way away, she thinks, but she’ll get there eventually.

FIN.